Barbara Poppell, M.S.

Mental health is (thankfully) something we are talking more about, especially when it comes to kids. We often get asked a lot of questions on this topic: 

• Does my child really have “mental health” when they are an infant, toddler, preschooler, or kindergartener?
• How can I help my kids when I don’t always know what they are thinking?
• When should I begin teaching my child about their emotions? 
• Why doesn’t my child understand emotions?
• Why can’t my child control themselves?
• Why doesn’t my child act like the other kids?
• When my child is upset they hit me and others – should I be worried?
• My child has so many tantrums – is this normal?
• Why is my child so naughty/rebellious/defiant?
• Should I be worried that my child is shy?

All of these questions, and the thousands more, are valid ones to ask yourself about your child. The simple answer for a complicated topic is – it depends. Each child, parent, caregiver, and community is different. Our preset biology and children’s interactions with their environment shape who they are and how they react. This means that our child’s mental health is just as important as their physical health and should be nurtured as such. Most adults did not grow up in a world with this understanding, and we are spending a lot of time repairing our mental health. 

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The good news – we have the opportunity to course-correct with our little ones. 

Being mentally healthy means that children can meet developmental and emotional milestones, they can learn healthy social skills, and can cope with problems when they arise.

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This does not mean we have to be a perfect example for our children at all moments of the day – we are humans too. Humans are far from perfect (I have yet to meet a perfect human), but we can show our children how to cope, weather, or come back from difficult times. 

As adults we need to have a set of skills, or a tool box of skills, that can help us learn who our children are and give them the supports they need to be successful humans. They will also not be perfect, but we can learn from our mistakes, learn from our scars, learn from science, and set forth on a new path to create caring and supportive environments for all children. 

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Expanding Your Parenting Toolbox: Three Practical Tools

The complex questions parents have about their child’s behavior and emotions are best addressed not with a single answer, but with a set of reliable, science-informed strategies. These tools, drawn directly from our core workshops on Brain Development, Temperament, Positive Guidance, and understanding Tantrums, empower you to build your child’s mental health from the ground up.

Tool 1: The “Name-to-Tame” & Connect Framework

This tool is your first response during emotional storms. When a child is tantrumming or overwhelmed, their brain’s emotional center (the amygdala) is in high alert, and their logical, thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex) is temporarily offline. Demanding logic (“Stop crying” or “Use your words”) in this moment is like asking someone to do calculus while being chased by a bear.

Before any correction or teaching, connect and label the emotion. Get down on their level, use a calm tone, and simply state what you perceive: “You are feeling so frustrated right now because the tower fell,” or “That made you really mad. I see that.” This does not mean you agree with hitting or screaming. It means you are acknowledging their internal state.

Neuroscientists call this “affect labeling.” Putting a name on an emotion actually reduces the intensity of the activity in the amygdala. It helps build the neural pathways between the emotional and thinking brain. This connection (“co-regulation”) is the essential first step that allows a child to eventually calm down and become receptive to guidance.

Tool 2: The Temperament Tune-Up

Many questions (“Why are they so shy?” “Why so defiant?” “Why don’t they act like the others?”) stem from a mismatch between a child’s innate temperament and our expectations. This tool shifts your focus from “fixing” children to understanding and adapting your approach to fit their unique wiring.

Observe your child through the lens of key temperament traits: Intensity (how strong are their reactions?), Approach/Withdrawal (how do they respond to new people/situations?), Adaptability (how do they handle transitions?), and Sensitivity (how aware are they of sights, sounds, textures?). Instead of pushing a slow-to-warm-up child into a crowd, provide gradual exposure and patience. For a highly active child, schedule ample “motor breaks” before demanding quiet table time.

This tool moves you from judgment to curiosity. It validates that your child’s behavior is often a expression of their biology, not willful “naughtiness.” By adapting your environment and expectations to their temperament, you reduce friction, prevent power struggles, and build their self-esteem by showing you accept who they are at their core.

Tool 3: The “When-Then” Bridge

This is a proactive guidance tool that teaches cause-and-effect and self-regulation, moving away from threats and punishments. It sets a clear, positive expectation and links a less-preferred activity to a desired one, framing you as a coach, not an enforcer.

Structure requests as: “When [non-negotiable task you need them to do] is done, then [something they want to do] can happen.”

  · “When we put the blocks away, then we can read your favorite book.”

  · “When your hands are washed, then you can help me set the table.”

It provides predictability and control in a respectful way. The “when” satisfies your need for cooperation and responsibility. The “then” acknowledges their desires and motivates them. This builds the neural pathways for planning, delaying gratification, and understanding natural consequences – all executive functions in the developing prefrontal cortex. It reduces tantrums by creating clarity and replacing looming “no’s” with achievable “yes’s.”

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Putting It All Together

Imagine your child is the type to melt down because it’s time to leave the playground (Tantrum). You first understand that their big reaction is partly due to a Temperament high in intensity and slow adaptability, so you give a consistent 5-minute warning. When it’s time to go and your see them become upset, you first “Name-to-Tame” (“You’re having so much fun, it’s really hard to leave. You feel disappointed.”). You use the “When-Then” Bridge for guidance (“When we get to the car, then you can hold your special truck”). This approach addresses the immediate emotion, honors the child’s nature, and guides behavior positively – building positive mental health one interaction at a time.

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